Mixed Feelings

I feel like it gets harder and harder for me to trust people. I hate saying that because I’ve always been the kind of person to trust everyone until they betray my trust. So, for me to have a hard time trusting people, it must mean that people I know have screwed up a lot, right? And that just sucks. I try to have faith in people but half the time they just let me down. There’s a very small group of people in my life that I can trust no matter what, but I still always worry that they’re not going to come through. It’s sad that my default response when someone says they’re going to do something is to plan out what I’m going to when they screw me over. I don’t want to be cynical and I try to always think about the positives in my life. But it’s sad when I feel like I put 100% into my friendships and relationships and I feel like most people only put in 50% for me. What can I do about that, though? Stop being friends with them? I have a hard time cutting people out of my life. Yell at them about it? I have a hard time with confrontation. Stop trying? I believe that I should always be a good person and put effort into all of my relationships. I guess I have to think of a solution soon. I fully appreciate my life and I know that I’m so lucky to love so many people and to have so many people love me. But sometimes, on days like this, I feel so alone.

(written on 10/17/10)